In The Presence Of The Pure: On Coping With Anxiety #Mental Health Awareness

As a person who has suffered with severe anxiety after years of watching my mother be physically and emotionally abused by my father, I have found over the years that for fear of being misunderstood or being given some unsolicited advice like, "you should let it go" or "you should try to calm down more and not take everything too personal", silence and solitude have really been my best companions. 

As a Creative person, the things I struggle with are constantly fighting to come out of me. I want people to know that I'm mostly always hurting and half the time I can't put a finger on what exactly is causing all the pain and panicking in the morning. 

Yet when people call my phone, I watch the phone ring and I do not answer. 
Most conversations feel forced and superficial. It's like the more calls I pick up, the more people feel they are getting to know me. But really I'm just putting up a bearable version of myself for them. Truth is not many people are interested in getting to really know people these days.

I call my mother. Whenever I feel overwhelmed and too alone and I can't handle the breathing exercises anymore I call her. I don't exactly talk, I mean she does more of the talking. For me those moments are just a way of being in the presence of someone who I know loves me without any hidden agenda. Whatever she has to say is okay, she hardly ever says things to offend, she mostly talks about Jesus. Half the time, I'm not exactly paying attention but just being there, it's calming, because someone who knows parts of me like no other, is talking to me and hearing me breath.
Sometimes I tell her, mom I really need you to listen to me because I have something to say and I say, "do you ever struggle to sleep at night?", "Do the slightest noises wake you up with a racing heart?", "Do you struggle to remember things?", I selected the bad memories to go and some good ones went away too mama, and she would listen and say, "It is well with your mind baby, you'll be alright".

Many times, it's not even the words. It's just being in the presence of the pure. Of the ones I hope I can be to others like me. 


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