Through different stages of my life, I have always wished I could exchange my body for another. It's been a year and two months since I stopped paying visits to the mirror.
I've never felt good enough, my state of mind has gradually swung me numb, a countless times I feel dumb. Their voices like a tape on replay have formed an album of their own.
I grew up hearing words like
"You will never amount to anything"
"You are good for nothing"
These words have taken a grip on my being.
Some days my mom looks at me with disgust and spits, saying "You ugly thing, I wish I aborted you".
When I go to church I really wish to believe what the preacher is saying, but these tracks of verbal scurrilities preach a sermon of their own in my mind.
I felt insulted the first time I heard the words "I love you." Somehow I figured I was being mocked, and so became defensive.
I have been forced to believe all manner of things as my truth for so long I am loosing the will to live.
I wish to break loose from this cage of self condemnation.
I am tired of laying blames...
Laying blames on this cruel reality I was forced into,
Laying blames on the man who impregnated my mom and denied knowing her,
I am tired of blaming the society who judged and condemned her for the ugly ordeal.
Though the frames these words have shaped me in, I battle with each day.
Though I wish mother treated me better, I realize we are both victims.
Help me if you can
I wish to break free
I wish to be treated like every normal child.
Photo credit: Bullzeye